I have made a little edit
on the suggestion of another writer.
Let's see if we like it:
on the suggestion of another writer.
Let's see if we like it:
THE CORPSE PLANT
He didn’t mean to kill the first one. The stupid girl came right into his house selling cookies. She wouldn’t let him kiss her even after he bought 6 boxes of the mint ones! He only smacked her once and she fell and cracked her head on the tile floor. He carried her out to the garden, but when he was settling her in the grave, she still felt soft and warm. Her eyes were closed like she was only sleeping. He unbuttoned her blouse. When she started getting cold, he covered her up.
I Know this is an ugly little tale, sorry...
Oh you're right, that is an ugly tale! But very well done. I think you could get a whole book out of this one if you enjoy writing crime or horror fiction.
ReplyDeleteVery creepy. This might be a personal preference, but if you took out the exclamation mark, it would make his seem less...uhm, passionate maybe? anyway - nice piece.
ReplyDeleteOH, that is an interesting suggestion. I do tend to use a lot of exclamation points, but I think, in this case, that he is genuinely upset and surprised that she wouldn't let him kiss her. I hope someone else makes a comment on this, so I can get some more views...
ReplyDeleteBut thank you.
Linda
Very ugly, but it was still well told~ Great post!
ReplyDeleteQuite a little garden he's got going there. It's a grisly story, but very well written.
ReplyDeleteLook at your last sentence...We enter his world, follow him, feel what he feels, but then get pulled out in the last six words to observe what he has done.
ReplyDeleteWe know he's a serial killer from the first sentence "the first one." I think the last sentence could be discarded altogether, or add an unexpected detail about his methods or the graves.
Aha! Criticism...Hmmm. You are probably right, because I only put that in there after I removed about a thousand words about his rose garden!
ReplyDeleteI will change it if you promise to write an episode in THE DREAM HOUSE!
X
Wow, that was creepy and well done. Not happy, but certainly plausible. Made me shiver.
ReplyDeleteCreepy! But I thought it was well-written. You've obviously had this story inside you to take a picture like that and turn it into this - you are a creator!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Elmo. I find that when I start writing, stories just pop out! i don't know where they come from.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the nice comment,
Linda
Dear linda,
ReplyDeleteBravo for writing from a man's POV. Always difficult to do, I think, and still pull it off. You did so admirably.
Aloha,
Doug
hiya, Doug, and thanks!
ReplyDeletelaughed out loud at the "6 boxes of mints ones"
ReplyDeleteThanks, Hazel! Glad you appreciated that one - exactly how I meant it.
ReplyDeleteYou should try this. It really only take a few minutes of intense editing! It is a terrific exercise in both imagination and conception.
Yours in Bath,
Linda
Wordpress and blogspot don't always communicate...glad I came back. Love the last sentence!
ReplyDeleteEmail me about The Dream House, click contact at www.robinhawke.com (not wordpress)