The Promise
Max seemed to float ahead of me on the blanket of snow, the lightness of his footfalls barely leaving a print behind him. My weight kept my feet sunk deep into the drifts.
‘Please let me make it in time, please let me make it in time,’ I pleaded under my breath, finding the strength to move forward. My promise to her kept me going.
I listened intently for danger lurking beneath this shroud of silent snow.
I carried a loaded rifle, the medicine in my backpack. I counted on Max to smell them before they saw us.
Funny how we respond similarly to the prompts. This time though, I felt completely isolated from even the dog while you were connected to him. Uncharacteristic for me, probably a reflection of how I'm feeling right now.
ReplyDeleteDear Carlos,
ReplyDeleteI had to rewrite this in the morning. Please take another look.
X
Dear Lindaura,
ReplyDeleteLoved your story, especially the mystery that the un-named enemy and un-specified illness evokes.
Did I get the rewritten version you mentioned to Carlos, I wonder?
Aloha,
Doug
Yes, you got it! I had a mountain lion in the first version!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Doug, see you next week
and Happy New Year!
Tension, mystery, hope. You captured it all in so few words. Excellent, Linda! Happy New Year!
ReplyDeleteYes, better! For the added tension and mystery, as Jan pointed out. Your description of the lightness of the dog on the snow was really nice.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Carlos. I woke up with the different take on it. Lots of my stuff has to be edited after a night's sleep.
ReplyDeleteMy life needs to be edited after a night's sleep...
X
It started out like a little jaunt in the snow, but ended with so much anxiety! Nicely done~!
ReplyDeleteLoved the subtle threat of menace in this piece, and the brief alliterations, but got hung up on the "please..., pleaded," part. Seems like a small repetition.
ReplyDeletehappy new year!
Maybe it's just me today, but I loved your last sentence, too. For whatever reason, I think it does a lot of work in a tiny amount of words. Beautiful job.
ReplyDeleteThere is plenty of tension in this short bit. Your reader wonders who "they" are, and realizing your characters are on a mission of mercy, roots for their safety and success. Great job.
ReplyDeleteMine: http://sweettea.kdmccrite.com/flash-fiction-3/the-dog-in-the-snow-flash-fiction-1612/
I love a thriller!
ReplyDeleteA great story.
ReplyDeleteI loved the mystery and tension evoked in the last two lines. It left me wondering just who 'they' might be.
I enjoyed your writing today. Isn't it interesting how dogs and children seen to float above the snow (as in your words) and other things adults get mired in.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting take.
ReplyDeleteTook me to a classic novel like set up for some reason. A Lady daring the unknown to help her ailing sister? sister-in-law? Mother? Clearly against her grain.
A faithful dog for company and her adversaries following her trail.
I like it!
Agreed: the non-specific threat is more compelling. Enjoyed the story.
ReplyDeleteSimon and Garfunkel fan, are you?
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Here's my entry for this week: http://wp.me/p24aJS-Y
Ahh...Took me a second to remember "The Sounds of Silence".
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments!
Loved the contrast between the dog floating above the snow and the mc sinking deep. Great story with a lot of tension. This strikes me as one that could be further developed, too. I'm thinking of doing that with mine from today eventually.
ReplyDeleteOoooh...I really LOVE this one. There is urgency, mystery, and drama. Plus it left me wanting to know more about what is going on. This could easily be a piece of something much larger. Well done!
ReplyDeleteMy drabble can be found here: http://quillshiv.wordpress.com/2012/01/06/drifting/