THE BORDER
We made it to the river before sunrise. I couldn’t believe we’d found our way through another awful night.
Veils of mist rose from the meadow where the chill night air met the dawn. Seeing the sun rising behind the wall of trees masking the border made me want to weep.
“Can we go swimming now?” Little Ginnie asked hopefully.
“Hush!” I answered, quickly pushing her back behind the trees with the others. We would lay low until nightfall, exhausted enough to sleep the day away.
Tonight we would cross the river. Tonight we would make it to the border.
You created a very real aura of suspense, fear and mystery in these few words. I'm dying to know what they're fleeing from.
ReplyDeleteMine's at: http://castelsarrasin.wordpress.com/2012/04/06/reaching-a-conclusion-friday-fictioneers-april-2012/
Thanks, Sandra...In the back of my mind, I think it is a continuation of my Limeskin saga, just the passover refugees as usual. I never get enough of the results of man's endless scapegoating of the unique and specail.
ReplyDeleteDear Linda,
ReplyDeleteA very well crafted piece of work. Beautiful description, tight dialog, the eternal optimism of a child all in a tale suffused with hidden menace and drive. Loved it.
On a technical note I think you can 86 the comma in the second paragraph, but that's just me.
Aloha,
Doug
http://ironwoodwind.wordpress.com/2012/04/06/unhinged/
No, you are right, except, I probably meant, The sun rising behind the trees, masking the border, made me weep. But "The sun rising behind the trees masking the border made me weep." should work. Maybe I should rewrite that part entirely... You know I keep editing my stories, even weeks after I put them up...
DeleteSee you at Ironwoodwind
Laura
Really like how the peace of the river contrasts with the tension/anxiety of the need to reach the border. Also the mysteriousness of what the border means. Here's mine: http://furiousfictions.com.
ReplyDeleteI like the "picture behind the picture" that you created, Linda. Though the photo is tranquil, there is much tension in the story hidden outside the frame. Very nice.
ReplyDeleteHere's mine:
http://janmorrill.wordpress.com/2012/04/06/the-meeting-place-fridayfictioneers-flashfiction-100words/
I'm not sure if it was meant to be a wartime story, but it did feel like it may have been set in WWII. That feeling of tension and terror of Jewish families escaping Nazi-occupied countries just seeped through everything.
ReplyDeleteA very well-told story.
Mine is this-a-way:
http://garybaileywriting.wordpress.com/2012/04/06/fridayfictioneers-catfishing/
You are right. I have been carrying around this feeling that I have been writing lately - the persecuted trying to escape, the valiant who help the, the ones who fight back - and it all stems from some story Doug Mcalroy wrote! The one that made me thing of the Clash song "Guns of Brixton". The line: "When they kick out your front door, how you gonna come, with your hands over your head, or on the trigger of your gun?"
DeleteI hope I will fight for you and me.
Very powerful atmosphere, fraught with tension and fear, balanced with fragile hope. As with Gaz, I got the sense of a WWII tale but it could equally be interpretted in many other settings. Very well written.
ReplyDeleteHere's my story:
http://andyfloodwritersblog.wordpress.com/2012/04/06/the-lasting-kind/
Yes, I had that in the back of my mind throughout this and my little stories about the Limeskin killings (The guy blows himself up with his hunters). The dog waits for his master, etc....
DeleteThis was terrific--reminicent of "Not Without My Daughter." I see a mother trying to get her daughter back from a foreign country to the US. Hard to do when the father kidnaps and flees to his homeland. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteMine: www.vlgregory-circa1800.vpweb.com/blog.html
Thanks, Greg, That's the feel I was hoping for...
ReplyDeleteI loved the beautiful language and the sense of urgency. I imagined a family of slaves fleeing their oppressors.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I would have kept "...made me weep."
Fantastic evocative writing!
http://www.wakefieldmahon.com/1/post/2012/04/down-by-the-river-friday-fictioneers1.html
Thanks for this. I can't have her weep though, although she wants to. She has a job to do. Get them all safely across the border. The grateful weeping can come later.
ReplyDeleteLaura
You have such a clean style. It accomplishes exactly what you want it to. Hope you can continue and let us know more.
ReplyDeleteI could easily picture a mother and her children escaping to safety. I just hope they get across before whatever is after them catches up.
ReplyDeleteYou captured the reality and times of our day...i love the hope it gives and desire to live...when there's hope there's life (pardone my inversion!) This is a tidy piece, Well Done!!!
ReplyDeletehttps://seewilliams.wordpress.com/2012/04/06/f-is-for-flash-fiction/
I love this story of flight. That moment when everything is beautiful and innocence comes out. Wonderful.
ReplyDeletehttps://quillshiv.wordpress.com/2012/04/06/meet-me/
Really nice tone to this. We don't even need to know what they're running from. Lovely.
ReplyDeletehttp://ajaroffireflies.blogspot.com/2012/04/importance-of-manners.html#comment-form
Nicely done. I loved the threads of tension and hope that ran through this story. My favorite line is, "Veils of mist rose from the meadow . . ." Very lyrical & poetic.
ReplyDeletehttp://russellgayer.blogspot.com/