Thursday 5 January 2012

FRIDAY FICTIONEERS - 6 of Jan 2012 - THE PROMISE - My 100 words - from Linda Palund


The Promise

         Max seemed to float ahead of me on the blanket of snow, the lightness of his footfalls barely leaving a print behind him.  My weight kept my feet sunk deep into the drifts. 
         ‘Please let me make it in time, please let me make it in time,’ I pleaded under my breath, finding the strength to move forward.  My promise to her kept me going. 
         I listened intently for danger lurking beneath this shroud of silent snow.
         I carried a loaded rifle, the medicine in my backpack.  I counted on Max to smell them before they saw us. 

19 comments:

  1. Funny how we respond similarly to the prompts. This time though, I felt completely isolated from even the dog while you were connected to him. Uncharacteristic for me, probably a reflection of how I'm feeling right now.

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  2. Dear Carlos,
    I had to rewrite this in the morning. Please take another look.
    X

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  3. Dear Lindaura,

    Loved your story, especially the mystery that the un-named enemy and un-specified illness evokes.

    Did I get the rewritten version you mentioned to Carlos, I wonder?

    Aloha,

    Doug

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  4. Yes, you got it! I had a mountain lion in the first version!
    Thanks, Doug, see you next week
    and Happy New Year!

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  5. Tension, mystery, hope. You captured it all in so few words. Excellent, Linda! Happy New Year!

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  6. Yes, better! For the added tension and mystery, as Jan pointed out. Your description of the lightness of the dog on the snow was really nice.

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  7. Thanks, Carlos. I woke up with the different take on it. Lots of my stuff has to be edited after a night's sleep.
    My life needs to be edited after a night's sleep...
    X

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  8. It started out like a little jaunt in the snow, but ended with so much anxiety! Nicely done~!

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  9. Loved the subtle threat of menace in this piece, and the brief alliterations, but got hung up on the "please..., pleaded," part. Seems like a small repetition.

    happy new year!

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  10. Maybe it's just me today, but I loved your last sentence, too. For whatever reason, I think it does a lot of work in a tiny amount of words. Beautiful job.

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  11. There is plenty of tension in this short bit. Your reader wonders who "they" are, and realizing your characters are on a mission of mercy, roots for their safety and success. Great job.

    Mine: http://sweettea.kdmccrite.com/flash-fiction-3/the-dog-in-the-snow-flash-fiction-1612/

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  12. A great story.
    I loved the mystery and tension evoked in the last two lines. It left me wondering just who 'they' might be.

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  13. I enjoyed your writing today. Isn't it interesting how dogs and children seen to float above the snow (as in your words) and other things adults get mired in.

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  14. Very interesting take.
    Took me to a classic novel like set up for some reason. A Lady daring the unknown to help her ailing sister? sister-in-law? Mother? Clearly against her grain.
    A faithful dog for company and her adversaries following her trail.
    I like it!

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  15. Agreed: the non-specific threat is more compelling. Enjoyed the story.

    Simon and Garfunkel fan, are you?

    ---
    Here's my entry for this week: http://wp.me/p24aJS-Y

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  16. Ahh...Took me a second to remember "The Sounds of Silence".
    Thanks for the comments!

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  17. Loved the contrast between the dog floating above the snow and the mc sinking deep. Great story with a lot of tension. This strikes me as one that could be further developed, too. I'm thinking of doing that with mine from today eventually.

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  18. Ooooh...I really LOVE this one. There is urgency, mystery, and drama. Plus it left me wanting to know more about what is going on. This could easily be a piece of something much larger. Well done!

    My drabble can be found here: http://quillshiv.wordpress.com/2012/01/06/drifting/

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